No Speed Bumps

Tea and Shortbread and Other Strange Experiences at Grandma's

When I was a kid (reminds of Bette Midler's beginnings to Sophie Tucker jokes!), I often spent the week-end at my grandma's - my fav person in the world. Reckon the parentals needed a break. But, as my mother loathed sex, I don't think it was privacy for them to indulge in any park-the-porpoise/hide-the-sausage/spear-the-bearded-clam kinda activities.

Anyway, I used to wake up early - you won't be able to guess where this is going, so just relax into the story!. And used to get some enormous volumes of Victorian paintings down from the top of a medical cabinet in the guest bedroom. And then got comfy, back in bed again, with a brekkie of tea and shortbread biscuits piled high on a tray over my knees.

I'd flick through to pictures like Jan Van Eyck's 'Giovanni Arnolfini and his Wife' (1434):

And Fantin-Latour's 'Roses and Larkspurs' (1885):

And, when I had a number of these paintings secure, a finger in each page, I went for the real object of this neferious activity - the hunt for C18 and C19 paintings of Greek and Roman historical events. The ones where the the heros felt it absolutely necessary to do their heroic deeds STARK NAKED!!!

Like Jacques-Louis David's 'Rape of the Sabine Women' (1776-9):

And his 'Patroclus' (1780):

If grandma appeared, my fingers sprung into action - magically we had Fantin-Latour's 'Roses and Larkspurs' and Jan Van Eyck's 'Giovanni Arnolfini and his Wife' again!

True - I had no clue why I liked these nudes! They just made me feel good. Very good! Very very very good. But I did eventually work it out. And moved on to photography, like this:








While I reckon I could have come up with an excuse for grandma for examining the C18-19 paintings, I don't think - even now - I would have been able to cum up with any sort of credible explanation for looking at the photographs!