No Speed Bumps

Some Technicalities for Social Kissing

I was watching TV last night and observed two world leaders kiss. Not passionately - this isn't an expose kinda post!

A bit of googling and I realized this social behaviour and its many functions is currently the topic of much yak yak yak - particularly the man-on-man variety. And the discussion is a world-wide phenomenon from Europe (Times-on-Line) to the US (ABC News) on to Taiwan (Taipei Times).

Now you might have imagined this was mostly a Southern European thing but it's catching on every where else - and fast. And you'll end up a social pariah if you don't get it right. But you'll be glad to know there's a huge self-help industry springing up - spawning such book titles as 'How to Perfect the Social Kiss'.

I began to think about this in the gay context. And came to the conclusion that I've never had a particularly rock-hard grip on the technicalities (and their semiotics) of social kissing.

I get the idea of one on each cheek. And even prefer it - why stop at just one.

But what I missed was when they worked out the rules for who was the kisser and who the kissee. Everybody - but everyone cept me - knows who, in any given situation, has to present a cheek and who has to plant the kiss. Is it a blokey and less blokey issue? Or a height thing - big guys give, little ones receive! This all smacks of less than politically-correct stereo-typing.

And there are so many other questions to answer, if two cheeks are going to be involved:

• Is it left or right cheek first?
  
• And left and right with respect to whom?
  
• Who decides the order, if it's not predetermined?
• Or is it a joint decision on the spot?
• Or is it all decided beforehand, perhaps worked out through age or social status?
• Alternatively, is this stuff all just left to the inspiration of the moment?

The questions are in fact never-ending.

At my worst, I do a whole lot of awkward goose-necking and bumping round - and not in a good way. I get there ... but sometimes/mostly it's not pretty.

Now, there is a curious variant of this social kissing. It has a spontaneous quality and is usually seen - counter intuitively - on sports fields ... often in serious mouth-on-mouth action! In an emotion-over-coming-sexual-orientation situation. Please, guys, none of those covert homosexuality day-dreaming comments!





Now what follows is most definitely not social kissing, unless there's something else I've not been told! Reckon it's just serious tongue-on-tongue action ...






... unless you can come up with a viable alternative explanation?